That Awkward Moment

This whole relationship thing is so time consuming. Im sucha fair-weather blogger GOD. It’s pretty hard to keep track of my ridiculous life but on the occasion something brilliant happens that can’t go unwritten.

While in bed with the bf, me on my Iphone him on his Ipad, love in 21st Century and all… I see that he had posted a funny video on his facebook. I of course mention it and attempt to watch it. It wasn’t playing on my phone so he pulled it up nice and big on his Ipad. In big bold lettering the clip was called “When n*gg@s find out their girlfriend is a slut” a Dave Chappelle skit. Something in me told me I was going to regret asking to see this.

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Hopefully you were able to view that video I found on instagram. If not, the skit basically shows a couple being stopped to get interviewed. The woman is asked what her craziest sexual experience was. She replies that it was a threesome in college with 2 dudes. Then Dave Chappelle is asked and he replies having sex with his hoe gf with no condom. Well, as my bf is cracking up laughing Im nervous laughing hoping he’s not going to ask me any questions. He’s an inquisitive one and even though this skit was hilarious all I could think was…. GUILTYYYY.

I’ve dabbled in the threesome department. Nothing I’d go bragging about but I had a crazy few years post break up. I enjoyed being sexual and adventurous. Never with 2 dudes though and I was the guest star which in my opinion is the best player to be in a 3way. I digress. So here I am sweating thinking fuuuck well this is awkward IM the slut in the skit. Luckily he didn’t ask any questions and we called it a night. I went to bed with my threesome slut shame and was over it by morning. Whatever, what he doesn’t know wont hurt him. YOLO

I can’t

I don’t even know where to begin. My weekend was let’s just say eventful so because of that this is gonna be a two part post.

We all have “I cant” moments. One of Urban Dictionaries definitions is A term used when one hears/sees/experiences something outrageous, appalling, or just crazy in general. “iCan’t” is quite versatile, and applies to negative, positive, or neutral events. It’s one of my favorite sayings and I spend most of my day repeating it because seriously the shit that happens to me… I cant!

So first things first, I go out in H town on Saturday night with my new boy toy. We went to one of my favorite local bars that I frequent often with my friends. We were having a great time eating, drinking chatting each other up. All the makings for a great night. After a while the bar started filling up. We had a great corner spot so it was perfect for my people watching hobby. As I scanned the room I locked eyes with someone who I dont know but who I have seen plenty of via facebook unfortunately. Douches new girlfriend. Not too far off standing behind her was Douche himself. The balls this kid has. Coming to my town, my bar where he knows I go ALL the time. Stay in your town. I was instantly enraged. Obviously my facial expression caught the newbies eye so I had to explain the situation. I could see he was a bit uncomfortable but after I clarified that the emotions I was having were not because I had feelings for Douche but moreso that I hadn’t seen him since everything happened and if I weren’t in a room full of witnesses Id beat him where he stood out of sheer hate. Its incredible how out of site out of mind works. I truly could care less about Douche or his girlfriend but there they were in front of me and every memory, every ounce of embarrassment I felt from his disrespect was now sitting in my throat and pumping through my veins. I was able to bring myself back though. It was touch and go for a minute but I recovered gracefully. Put my focus back on the good guy that was sitting in front of me. I did however notice that D’s girlfriend made her way closer to me to get a better look. And that alone made me feel better. Yes bitch I do look this good in real life you can stop stalking my social networks now- girl bye!

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Moving on from those two. Newbie and I continued getting tipsy and enjoying our night together. Which eventually ended back at my apartment. Now I’ve already said he was a pleaser, everyone loves a pleaser. Im really happy with our sex life so far and its been a while since I could say that about anyone. This night though he decided to kick things up a notch. Before I knew it… anal. Yup, that happened. So it wasn’t my first time but it was our first time. Firsts are always interesting. They’re either amazing or awkward  or funny. Ours was all of the above.  I think I got a little too carried away. I was drunk and really enjoying myself and him obviously. Before I knew it I blurted out I LOVE YOU.

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WHO DOES THAT?!?! Who says I love you during anal let alone the first time. Not to mention we’ve been dating 3 months. Come onnnnn. What a disaster. My heart stopped I tensed up I was immediately sober now. By the grace of God, I hate to bring him up in an an anal post but, for whatever reason newbie loved it. Made me say it again and finished up strong. When all was said and done I was beyond mortified. I got super shy. Not because he was just in my exit only, no, because I said I love you like a crazy person. I apologized a couple times in fear that he would think I was some typical psycho girl but he was actually pretty great about. In all honesty he was better than I think I would have been had he said it instead of me. I’ve been cringing at the thought of him bringing it up again but he hasn’t.. it’s a New Years miracle. Only me, I can’t.

PS thank you Nene Leeks for the amazing gifs- I die.

She’s baaaack

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It’s been a minute so I know you missed me. Just like the beautiful Queen Bey Im back at it. Yea I just put myself in Beyonce’s company Im feeling myself today let me live. Since my last post I’m still dating the same guy hence me being radio silent. Eww Im like that bad friend who gets a boyfriend and you only hear from when they fight. Promise I’ll do better. All seems to be going well on the new boy front fyi. The minute I have something wildly inappropriate to share you’ll be the first to know.

This post is mainly just a reflection on what a difference  a year makes. Last year around this time I had my head in the ground thinking I was in the process of something great with D. Having no idea how truly toxic he was and how stupid I was being. Everything happens for a reason I suppose and I wish I had the affinity to not learn everything the hard way. C’est la vie.

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That being said… I think a throwback embarrassing story is in order. This one is one of my personal favs. We’re going back about 6 years or so. I had been broken up with my boyfriend of forever and a day. It was summer time, obvi. I met a guy Memorial Day Wknd who was equal parts adorable and degenerate. The way we started talking was as romantic as ever. I had pointed out he had some white substance on his nose and should probably clean himself up.  A few drinks later I was back at his place. We were the portrait of class.

Upon walking into his house I realized this wasn’t the typical shore house I was accustomed to. There weren’t bodies scattered on the floor, beer cans and pizza boxes decorating the living room and no roommates to be seen. No, this was an actual home. We went to his room and the first thing that caught my eye was a thong so loving strung from the ceiling fan. I later found out it was his “ex girlfriends.” It was shark week aka I had my period so I knew my virtue was safe for the most part. We started hooking up and it was one of those intense make out sessions that makes you need a fresh pair of panties before you even get to the good stuff.

Speaking of panties; he started trailing down to my cookie but I had to give him the swat away. He tried a few more times and got the same response. He finally asked what was wrong and I shyly blurted out I had my period. To which he then got up and began to look around for something. When he eventually made his way back to me, mortified on the bed sure he was gonna tell me to leave, he came back holding a towel. He got back in bed and as if nothing tried shifting my panties to the side. Any attempt I made to stop him was useless. Before I knew it his hands were everywhere so I just went with it. Totally lost in the moment and acting like a disgusting horny teenager we started having sex. Incredible sex. When all was said and done we lay there talking. It suddenly occurred to me I was laying on top of a towel much  like a puppies wee wee pad. And what about my tampon?! Omg my tampon.  In all my whorishness I totally had forgotten about my tampon and he seemed to work himself around it. So I didnt know what else to do. I had to ask him what happened to my tampon.

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Even though I wanted to crawl in a ball and die nothing could faze this kid. Just as simply as he got the towel he positioned himself in between my legs and got to know me like only my gyno truly knows me. He was legit wrist deep in me fishing, for lack of a better term, for my lost tampon. Honestly who does this happen to on a first sexual encounter?!

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After what seemed like forever he got it! I mean it was impressive nothing short of amazing I was expecting the Chilean Miners coming out of the closets to pat him on the back (reference before the time period but whatever.) He was unaffected and even wanted me to sleep over. In the morning, he dropped me off like a gentleman and even texted me that day. We hung out that entire summer. It was the perfect summer fling brought to fruition by coke and blood. Who woulda thunk?! He will always have a special place in my heart… and uterus.

Hallelujah

Ok don’t fall off your seats but this post is actually going to be pretty positive. Mr. Hickey has learned from his mistakes and cut the 8th grade antics out of his repertoire. Now that he and I have been getting more intimate I have to say I may have hit the mother load with this one. Ladies, I got myself a pleaser. Can I get an AMEN?!

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We are still getting to know each other but from what I have picked up he’s a talker. Loves to ask questions and takes mental notes on everything. His inquisitive nature bubbled over to our sex life recently. He wanted to know what I like and dislike in bed. I can honestly say in the 15 years I have been having sex I dont think I have ever been asked my likes and dislikes. And let me clarify I have never been asked in normal conversation with the person I sleep with my likes and dislikes. I have however gotten the “yea you like that” during sexual acts. These are quite different.  Needless to say I was floored and slightly impressed by him.

After having a candid discussion on what does and doesnt get me off ( I’ll spare you the details) I didn’t think much of it and kind of dismissed the convo because my experience with men is it goes in one ear and right out the other. Well, to my surprise the kid took major mental notes. Like I was convinced he may have had cheat sheets on his hands. He listened to everything I told him. Payed attention to all the parts I told him would do the job. No joke he was the little engine that could and after AMAZING foreplay when I regained feeling back in my legs I returned the favor.

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